Boston Should Annex Somerville, Says Magazine (in Jest)

An article in the November issue of Boston Magazine says the new mayor of Boston, whether it's Marty Walsh or John Connolly, should consolidate power by embarking on an old-fashioned campaign to conquer neighboring territory.

Called "Annex Brookline!," the article bills itself as "a modest proposal for how the next mayor of Boston can promote growth, expand our horizons, vanquish our neighbors, and restore our rightful place as the hub of the universe."

It points to the historical fact that Boston grew, mostly in the 19th century, by annexing neighboring towns, such as Roxbury, Dorchester, Charlestown, West Roxbury, Allston and Brighton.

One standout was Brookline—"a walled garden where Boston's wealthy and powerful could fluff their pillows safe from the predations of the city's teeming horde of Hibernian hooligans"—which, in 1873, voted not to become part of Boston, the article says.

But now, taking over after Thomas Menino's 20-year reign as mayor, "surely there's no better way for a new mayor to establish his dominance than by demonstrating to friend and foe alike that what he wants, he takes," the article recommends.

The conquest begins with Cambridge, according to the strategy laid out in the article. It then moves onto Brookline (for the schools), and to places like Malden (for the affordable housing) and Quincy (for its Asian population and accompanying restaurants).

But the article suggests Somerville could be a tough place to conquer.

It says:

"While no one expects Cambridge to put up a fight—the city's nonviolent resistance could be easily dispatched by a post-game crowd of Bruins fans marching over the Longfellow—Somerville mayor Joe Curtatone can be counted on to mount a defense worthy of the Alamo."

It continues:

"So for strategic purposes, we’ll begin by absorbing Arlington and Medford, thereby completely encircling Somerville, whereupon we can lay siege to the city. No ammunition necessary: We’ll simply direct Inspectional Services to quarantine all shipments of organic produce on suspicion of potato blight or boll-weevil infestation, and see how long the locavores last when they’re forced to subsist on chain restaurants. Once Somerville falls, we’ll mop up the remnants of Belmont, Watertown, and Milton."

A nice idea, but the author, Colin Kingsbury, seems to forget his history. It's Somerville that lays siege on Boston, not the other way around. 

A small encampment on Prospect Hill and a cannon that shoots propaganda leaflets—stating The Purple Shamrock has reopened—is all Somerville would need to make Bostonians fritter their student loans away on UGG boots and watered-down Vodka Red Bulls. Thus impoverished, Boston would be easily taken.

The November issue of Boston Magazine should hit the newsstands soon, and you can also read the article online.